life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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