im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
