Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
