I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
