i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
