she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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