my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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