When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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