Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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