In the future we'll all be gay
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
