Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize