We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
