Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
