omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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