I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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