I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
