Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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