I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
