Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
