Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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