I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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