Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
