Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
