What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sorry about my life...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
