FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sext me about skeletons
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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