Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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