Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
