How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
