i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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