I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
