I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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