If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
