Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
