I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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