So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
