So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
