My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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