I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize