I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
