U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
