The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
