I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
