there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
