yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
