i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
