Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
