She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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