I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
