I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
