just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
