I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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