I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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