I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
