My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
