I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
