apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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