you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
