Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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