Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
