Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
